Jokes to fill the time

Dad Jokes

  • How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?… When it’s apparent.
  • They’re building a mirror factory in my town…I could see myself working there.
  • I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…apparently the paper was jamming.
  • I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theatres…I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
  • I buy all my guns from a guy who calls himself “T-Rex.”…He’s a small arms dealer.
  • 6:30 is the best time on a clock…Hands down.
  • People who don’t eat gluten are really going against the grain.
  • Never ever spell part backwards,…It’s a trap.

Responsive Jokes

  • Why did the can crusher quit his job?…Because it was SODA - Pressing.
  • What do you call a fake noodle…an IMPASTA.
  • Why did the coffee file the police report…It got mugged
  • What did the buffalo say when his son when he left for college?…BI-SON
  • What did the grape do when it got stepped on…Let out a little WINE
  • What do you call cheese by itself…Prov-Alone
  • Why don’t crabs give to charity?…Because they are Shellfish
  • What’s the proper way to address a hippie’s wife?…Mississippi
  • What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?…A father in law
  • What happens when you add one bean to a 239 bean soup?…It becomes too farty
  • When is your door not actually a door?When it’s actually ajar.

Shower Thoughts

  • “Sunglasses are the irl version of dark mode.”

  • “Erasers sacrifice themselves for our mistakes.” Plants get sexy to attract insects rather than each other, which is pretty weird.

  • If Homer Simpson were a Democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)”

  • Due to coin flips, George Washington still makes decisions to this day

  • Dog toys live a horrifying life in the Toy Story universe.

  • Scarecrows work on humans if you make them creepy enough.

  • People who don’t understand how Clark Kent can pass as Superman have clearly never seen Tony Hawk without a skateboard.

  • Your birth certificate is your first participation award.

  • Seems awfully suspicious that melting frozen yogurt does not give you yogurt.

  • We don’t check the refrigerator multiple times to find new food, we check to see if our standards have dropped enough to eat what was available

  • Batman would look ridiculous trying to solve crimes outside during a sunny day.

  • Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.

  • Every surgery in the lego universe is plastic surgery.

  • Randomly hearing your favorite song playing somewhere is more satisfying than playing it directly from Spotify.

  • The purpose of a lock is to convert doors into walls.

  • Technically, the mailman has never gotten in the house, so as far as the dog knows, his barking is working.

  • Cats probably think we’re cleaning our ice cream.

  • Police dogs are K-9 (canine). If cats were trained, they would be K-10 (kitten).

  • Maybe cats purposely break stuff off of shelves so that when the owner buys a replacement, they can play in the boxes.

  • House cats are basically lions that figured out how to get more calories out of a single human. Once a year I bring a real tree inside, hang cat toys all over it and then yell at my cats whenever they play in it.

  • If you wear camouflage in public, you stand out more.

  • Buses have the route number on the back so you can confirm that it was your bus you just missed.

  • Lucky Charms should make “trick or treat” boxes that are either all cereal or all marshmallows.

  • Somebody had to come up with a jingle for Frosted Flakes, and out of all the possible entries, they settled on “They’re great!”

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