Jokes to fill the time
Dad Jokes
- How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?… When it’s apparent.
- They’re building a mirror factory in my town…I could see myself working there.
- I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…apparently the paper was jamming.
- I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theatres…I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
- I buy all my guns from a guy who calls himself “T-Rex.”…He’s a small arms dealer.
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock…Hands down.
- People who don’t eat gluten are really going against the grain.
- Never ever spell part backwards,…It’s a trap.
Competative Programing Team Names
- ’; DROP TABLE teams;–
- Snack Overflow
- Init to win it
- // TODO: come up with a team name
- Over NaN Thousand
- Tech Debt
- [object Object]
- Deez Nulls
- CTRL-C + CTRL-V
- Rubber ducks
- Trophy-Driven Development
- Will grep for food
- Ctrl Alt Defeat
- Brace (yourself) {
}
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Winners
- Business in the frontend, party in the backend
Responsive Jokes
- Why did the can crusher quit his job?…Because it was SODA - Pressing.
- What do you call a fake noodle…an IMPASTA.
- Why did the coffee file the police report…It got mugged
- What did the buffalo say when his son when he left for college?…BI-SON
- What did the grape do when it got stepped on…Let out a little WINE
- What do you call cheese by itself…Prov-Alone
- Why don’t crabs give to charity?…Because they are Shellfish
- What’s the proper way to address a hippie’s wife?…Mississippi
- What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?…A father in law
- What happens when you add one bean to a 239 bean soup?…It becomes too farty
- When is your door not actually a door?When it’s actually ajar.
Shower Thoughts
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“Sunglasses are the irl version of dark mode.”
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“Erasers sacrifice themselves for our mistakes.” Plants get sexy to attract insects rather than each other, which is pretty weird.
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If Homer Simpson were a Democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)”
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Due to coin flips, George Washington still makes decisions to this day
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Dog toys live a horrifying life in the Toy Story universe.
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Scarecrows work on humans if you make them creepy enough.
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People who don’t understand how Clark Kent can pass as Superman have clearly never seen Tony Hawk without a skateboard.
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Your birth certificate is your first participation award.
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Seems awfully suspicious that melting frozen yogurt does not give you yogurt.
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We don’t check the refrigerator multiple times to find new food, we check to see if our standards have dropped enough to eat what was available
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Batman would look ridiculous trying to solve crimes outside during a sunny day.
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Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.
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Every surgery in the lego universe is plastic surgery.
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Randomly hearing your favorite song playing somewhere is more satisfying than playing it directly from Spotify.
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The purpose of a lock is to convert doors into walls.
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Technically, the mailman has never gotten in the house, so as far as the dog knows, his barking is working.
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Cats probably think we’re cleaning our ice cream.
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Police dogs are K-9 (canine). If cats were trained, they would be K-10 (kitten).
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Maybe cats purposely break stuff off of shelves so that when the owner buys a replacement, they can play in the boxes.
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House cats are basically lions that figured out how to get more calories out of a single human. Once a year I bring a real tree inside, hang cat toys all over it and then yell at my cats whenever they play in it.
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If you wear camouflage in public, you stand out more.
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Buses have the route number on the back so you can confirm that it was your bus you just missed.
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Lucky Charms should make “trick or treat” boxes that are either all cereal or all marshmallows.
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Somebody had to come up with a jingle for Frosted Flakes, and out of all the possible entries, they settled on “They’re great!”
My Tweets
- https://twitter.com/ButchMayhew/status/1392167245829259267
- https://twitter.com/ButchMayhew/status/1381947451842629642
- https://twitter.com/ButchMayhew/status/1368368571877896193
- https://twitter.com/ButchMayhew/status/1195151700195184644
- https://twitter.com/ButchMayhew/status/1141857186240454656