- How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?… When it’s apparent.
- They’re building a mirror factory in my town…I could see myself working there.
- I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…apparently the paper was jamming.
- I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theatres…I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
- I buy all my guns from a guy who calls himself “T-Rex.”…He’s a small arms dealer.
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock…Hands down.
- People who don’t eat gluten are really going against the grain.
- Never ever spell part backwards,…It’s a trap.
- Why did the can crusher quit his job?…Because it was SODA - Pressing.
- What do you call a fake noodle…an IMPASTA.
- Why did the coffee file the police report…It got mugged
- What did the buffalo say when his son when he left for college?…BI-SON
- What did the grape do when it got stepped on…Let out a little WINE
- What do you call cheese by itself…Prov-Alone
- Why don’t crabs give to charity?…Because they are Shellfish
- What’s the proper way to address a hippie’s wife?…Mississippi
- What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?…A father in law
- What happens when you add one bean to a 239 bean soup?…It becomes too farty
- When is your door not actually a door?When it’s actually ajar.
“Sunglasses are the irl version of dark mode.”
“Erasers sacrifice themselves for our mistakes.” Plants get sexy to attract insects rather than each other, which is pretty weird.
If Homer Simpson were a Democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)”
Due to coin flips, George Washington still makes decisions to this day
Dog toys live a horrifying life in the Toy Story universe.
Scarecrows work on humans if you make them creepy enough.
People who don’t understand how Clark Kent can pass as Superman have clearly never seen Tony Hawk without a skateboard.
Your birth certificate is your first participation award.
Seems awfully suspicious that melting frozen yogurt does not give you yogurt.
We don’t check the refrigerator multiple times to find new food, we check to see if our standards have dropped enough to eat what was available
Batman would look ridiculous trying to solve crimes outside during a sunny day.
Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.
Every surgery in the lego universe is plastic surgery.
Randomly hearing your favorite song playing somewhere is more satisfying than playing it directly from Spotify.
The purpose of a lock is to convert doors into walls.
Technically, the mailman has never gotten in the house, so as far as the dog knows, his barking is working.
Cats probably think we’re cleaning our ice cream.
Police dogs are K-9 (canine). If cats were trained, they would be K-10 (kitten).
Maybe cats purposely break stuff off of shelves so that when the owner buys a replacement, they can play in the boxes.
House cats are basically lions that figured out how to get more calories out of a single human. Once a year I bring a real tree inside, hang cat toys all over it and then yell at my cats whenever they play in it.
If you wear camouflage in public, you stand out more.
Buses have the route number on the back so you can confirm that it was your bus you just missed.
Lucky Charms should make “trick or treat” boxes that are either all cereal or all marshmallows.
Somebody had to come up with a jingle for Frosted Flakes, and out of all the possible entries, they settled on “They’re great!”
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